The official release of the 2017 slate of 256 games is scheduled for tonight at 8 PM, but the Pope of New York Radio, Mike Francesa, was gracious enough to uhhhhhhh and ughkay his way through a schedule spoiler for the New York Football Giants. Its enough to make it move, if only as an appetizer for the upcoming NFL draft. Schedules are out, starting lineups are starting to form and that means its time to simply call it a 16-0 season for Big Blue.
Look, I’m a fan radiates confidence in whatever football watching environment I am in. Sometimes its radiating from my ass, but its pervasive and its pungent. That being said, I am going to do my best to be absolutely real when it comes to making these predictions. Well check the game, the date, dribble a dash of analysis and give you a W or L with a rough estimate of the score. A lot can change between now and kickoff, and such changes will be reflected in the actual final score.
9/10 at Dallas Cowboys (Sunday Night Football):
The NFL from the rafters! Giants-Cowboys to open the season coming at you with a shock value similar to water being wet. We all knew this was predestined, the games always turn out to be far too entertaining. I’m not crazy about having divisional games to open up the season; throw an interconfertnce opponent in the leadoff spot to shake the rust off. There’s this craze over Dallas that I don’t quite understand. They’re a physical, talented offense with a capable quarterback and dynamic running back. However, the Giants are a dominant, suffocating defense. Jerry World is the anti-home field advantage.
Giants 27 Cowboys 23
9/18 vs. Detroit Lions (Monday Night Football):
The Lions stink. Giants have more answers than the Lions have weapons. Home opener are MetLife this season on Monday Night Football is going to be the epicenter of
the my universe.
Giants 31 Lions 16
9/24 at Philadelphia Eagles:
The Eagles always manage to send a cold chill up my spine. Coaches and quarterbacks come and go, but my hatred stays eternal. The Linc’ has not treated the Giants well in years past. Subtract Elis dreadful first half last season in their Thursday Night showdown and it may have been a different story. Doug Pederson is also a total goober Giants 26 Birds 13
10/1 at Tampa Bay Buccanneers:
With considerations for my good friend Vinny Schultz, a hardo Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan living in New York and consequently a human zero, I select the winner for this game with complete and total bias. Second round sensation Roberto Aguayo kicks it through the uprights as time expires to get the Bucs on the board! Jameis Fameis Winston leaves Desean Jackson stranded with Landon over the middle as my least favorite football player in the history of civilized man ends up comatose.
Giants 42 Buccaneers 3**
10/8 vs. Los Angeles Chargers:
Don’t believe that the Chargers are going to be to match the Giants defensive front with their offensive front. They hemorrhage in protection, something the Giants will salivate at.
Giants 24 Chargers 20
10/15 at Denver Broncos (Sunday Night Football):
I went on wikipedia to trace the history of his esteemed franchise. 1992 was as far as I would venture into the internet abyss to answer the following question: “When was the last time the Giants won in Denver?” This has sloppy game written all over it. Also, I am not worried about Aqib Talib potentially causing an Odell meltdown. Odell is prone to hotheaded behavior, but let us remember that Denver is closer to outer space than any other stadium in the United States, and thus does not yield the same oxygen reaction with fire that a place like New York or Washington would. When you consider the probability of an explosion, it is just not scientifically possible.
Giants 16 Broncos 20
10/22 vs. Seattle Seahawks:
I would love to drink the tears of Seattle like a delicious cold brew from a certain Seattle-based coffee company flooding the market and every corner in NY. Seattle is on the decline. It’s that simple.
Giants 28 Seahawks 19
10/29 BYE Week
11/5 vs. Los Angeles Rams:
If you were born in 2002 or later and are a fan of the Los Angeles Rams, it should be socially acceptable for you to file a lawsuit against your parents. Eli Manning was drawing up plays with his etch-a-sketch when Sean McCay was just a twinkle in his parents eyes. Expect a bloodbath, one that Jared Goff might not survive.
Giants 36 Rams 7
11/12 at San Francisco 49ers:
Queue the toilet flushing sound effect! Brian Hoyer is not beating the New York Football Giants
Giants 34 49ers 16
11/19 vs. Kansas City Chiefs:
A flow chart for playing Andy Reid:
——Yes? You lose
Is he off a bye?—-
——No? You win
He’s off a bye. I can’t go against what seems to be preordained.
Giants 23 Chiefs 28
11/23 at Washington Redskins (Thanksgiving):
The gameplan is going to be quite simple: cover Jordan Reed and you win the game. I know at some point Washington will be in a complete tailspin, but I’m hoping this can be the point where they are teetering and a good bludgeoning from the Giants sends them down the shitter. The Giants will bludgeon them, I just hope the rights to the aforementioned narrative are still available. Too bad it will spell doom for everyone except Dan Snyder.
Giants 34 Washington 20
12/3 at Las Vegas Raiders (in Oakland):
Odell Beckham has burst onto the NFL scene like a supernova, but nothing in the universe–not even the bright, shining radiance of Ben McAdoo–can escape the nihility of a blackhole. Farewell tour for Oakland is going to be two plus seasons and its going to be awesome.
Giants 26 Raiders 27
12/10 vs. Dallas Cowboys:
My opinion on Dallas has not changed in the last 700 words. The Giants are way more physical on defense than the Cowboys are on offense. They have too many weapons for Dallas’ thinning secondary to cover. It is now a game with a relatively distinct home-field advantage. The December chill to fix the NFC East celebratory champagne at just the right temperature!
Giants 34 Cowboys 17
12/17 vs. Philadelphia Eagles:
No bad vibes from the armpit city of America will seep into MetLife on the eve of another Super Bowl run.
Giants 28 Eagles 13
12/24 at Arizona Cardinals:
Don’t have a feel for this game yet. Arizona went from being dynamic in 2015 to underachieving in 2016. The player that scares me of course is David Johnson, who possesses a skill-set that may eclipse even Le’Veon Bells. Bell caused trouble for the Giants last season, and I expect Johnson to be that similar kind of thorn.
Arizona 28 Giants 20
12/31 vs. Washington Redskins:
Giants 34 Washington 20
Recap: That’s a 13-3 season I am predicting folks. I will die on this hill. Benny Big Balls, Eli, Odell, Collins, Snacks, Marshall. LETS FUCKING DO THIS!