Week One Power Rankings of Stink 

*Gags* you smell that? That’s low-quality NFL football! Missed kicks and tackles, dropped touchdowns and interceptions, duck fart throws and offenses as explosive as milk.  It’s 2016 football, and so far we’ve been treated to a platter of both good and STANK football.  Who’s the most unruly smelling of the bunch so far? Let’s find out!

10. Arizona

Arizona is the total opposite of stink. Their roster is actually filthy fucking good. There is usually no shame in losing to New England.
Usually.
Because they usually have some combination of Ninkovich, their starting tackles, Dion Lewis, Brady and Gronkowski playing on Sunday’s. Arizona lost to a team that was missing it’s starting QB, it’s best offensive weapon, it’s second or third best weapon from last season, BOTH offensive tackles, and possibly it’s most versatile and important defender. Arizona has its full-arsenal of weapons. For a team with as much hype around it as Arizona, losing a home game to a team as crippled as the Patriots is embarrassing. CC: Chandler Costanzo
9. Falcons

The Falcons are the kind of stink where they don’t actually stink from a talent standpoint, but the way they just don’t win makes them a huge stink. 5-1 start last season en route to 8-8, and they completely blow it this past weekend in their home opener. The list of quarterbacks I’d rather have than Matt Ryan for a one-game, winner take all scenario is expanding like the universe. Julio Jones is an uber-freak who’s prime is being wasted by dark fart aficionado Matt Ryan.
8. Kickers

Again, kickers are a skill group whose job description by definition makes them immensely talented. I tried doing kickoffs for my flag football team this week (keep in mind I have a 40 yard boundary that I just have the get the ball in for). Shank, squib, slice. Literally couldn’t do it. Walt Jr. is a more qualified kicker than myself. So even though they’re typically awe inspiring, kickers took a serious L this week. Before the week even began, Josh Brown–one of the best in the business–was suspended for week one. So a bad start to week one for Kickers already. Randy Bullock, Nick Folk, Josh Scobee all missed low-pressure, low-difficulty kicks. How about game winners for the Panthers and Cardinals? Graham Ga-NO and Chandler Costanz-NO. Ironically, Roberto Aguayo was not involved in this kicking debauchery.
7. Jets

Sort of an extension of kickers, but then I remember the Jets allowed 21 points to a team that let their QB get sacked 7 times. That qualifies them for the top ten any week. Revis Island has been totally swallowed up by the Atlantic Ocean, as GREEN house gases caused the sea level to rise above it. Also, how on earth do you have 1st and goal TWICE on the same drive and not score any points? The Jets sure now how to set a new standard for futility
6. Saints

Dead is the Superdome aura and intimidation. That and Revis Island are both relics of the ancient past. While the Saints can definitely still score, and Drew Bree’s shows no signs of slowing down, their defense stinks like cat piss. Think about this for a moment: their defense is so far from intimidating that instead of kicking the game tying extra-point, Jack Del Rio immediately signaled for the two-point conversation. AND CALLED A FUCKING FADE. No read. No sneaky motion or play-action. Just a casual lob for Crabtree to snatch from the defender. The Saints stink.
5. San Diego

Losing Keenan Allen for the year should be punishment enough for San Diego. But they coughed up a 24-3 lead. When you’re up 21 on the Chiefs, you should feel really good about your chances. Asking a quarterback like Alex Smith to bring his team back through the air is a tall order. Alex Smiths career yards per attempt through the air would get him a job in the MLB as a pitcher if it were his ERA. Yet, San Diego actually let it happen. In a division that’s wide open this year, San Diego needed a statement win to set the tone for this year. Instead, they had a statement loss that will probably set the tone for the year.
4. Bills

Rex Ryan is not a good head coach. One helluva football guy, and the rights to the Rex and Rob show should be exclusively held by HBO, but not a good head coach. His offense always seems to just be BAD. Buffalo-Baltimore fit the bill of random 1 pm games that said randomness qualifies for a stinker of a game. True to form, the game sucked to high hell.
3. Rams

The Rams relevance to the NFL season was tied directly to the airing of Hard Knocks. Now that Hard Knocks is over and actual, competitive football is on–the Rams are done being a topic of discussion. Last nights game answered the “Who the fuck is gonna score for the Rams?” question we had all been asking ourselves. The answer is no one. How do you feel if a team like the Rams or the Browns cut you? To think Jeff Fischer looked a man in the face and told him “No, you can’t make this team, one of the worst there is; yes, I think you can catch on somewhere else.” A bold faced lie
2. Washington

I’ll enjoy this. The football team from Washington STINKS. Kirk Cousins is atrocious. I just watched the Giants win the NFC East on MNF. Like I blogged the other day, the Redskins didn’t beat a single good team last and they got their shit pushed in by every good team. True to form, they stunk like a landfill against Pittsburgh. The Steelers bullied the Washington defense last night. Antonio Brown ruined Breeland’s life, and not once did Washington think to assign their $60M man Josh Norman to shadow Brown indefinitely. Kirk Cousins is Nick Foles 2.0. The District of Columbia was falsely led to believe someone in a position of power was legitimate. Sound familiar? Two weeks until the Giants get a crack at this dumpster fire.
1. Browns

What on earth has Hue Jackson gotten himself into? This team and the Rams are like 76er clones in NFL form. Only logical reason Hue could have legitimately wished to be the Browns coach was the virtual promise of a crack at his own team, meaning he gets 4 to 5 years to build his own program, while Cleveland does everything they can to give him all the right ingredients. I respect that, because he’s also got plausible deniability–“wasn’t my fault, the sabremetrically inclined GM and my idiot owner sold off every good player when I got here.” This team made Philadelphia look good, which makes them a horrible football team right away. No need to further analyze this situation.

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