Batman vs Superman STUNK

WARNING: SPOILERS.  VERY, VERY CYNICAL SPOILERS.

Don’t be mad because of the title, every critic in the world is echoing this sentiment.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice was a colossal waste of my time.  Seeing this movie was even more of a waste of time than my episode with insomnia.  Luckily, I just watched Batman Begins to wash the taste of bad Batman movie out of my mouth.  There is just an absolute laundry list of things to cover when talking about this atrocity. As our first order of digs, let’s break this blog up into the coherent narrative that BvS could not be.

Everyone who was even the slightest bit coherent from 2005-2012 remembers the Nolan trilogy.  Christopher Nolan took a franchise that Joel Schumacher nearly put six feet under thanks in part to bat-nipples…

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…and turned it into one of the greatest if not THE greatest trilogies in cinema history.  From Heath Ledgers Joker, to the always anticipated prologues, to pretty much hoping that the 15 minutes I spent in the gym daily would turn me into Bane.  Tons and tons of signature moments from a great series of films.

This film?  YUCK.  Yuck one thousand times over.  It also doesn’t help when you travel to two different movies theaters because Fandango gave you misinformation or I can’t read and start the movie at 1150.  Pretty unfair for me to expect any movie to redeem my night after a less than stellar start, but for Christ’s sake, it’s Batman.

My buddy and I kept looking at each other in disbelief.  I checked to see if he was sleeping about four times.  Twitter at 2 am was more interesting than this film.  If the worst contact in my entire phone butt-dialed me, I would have left the theater to strike a conversation with them.  I just couldn’t leave, I did NOT want to be the guy who walked out on Batman.  I’ve been a fan for too long to not ride it out to the end without the slightest of excuses.

How do you feel if you are the filmmakers?  This is the story you came up with?  You are given a gift by being tasked with writing a Batman and Superman movie.  It’s two of the juciest super-hero univereses of all-time.  Barely any originality or creativity needed!   You just have to structure the story correctly, hire decent actors, pour the usual trillions into special effects and it’s a halfway decent movie.  I guess the budget that was supposed to alloted to all three phases of my steps for good filmmaking instead went strictly to special effects.

Was it good at all?  I imagine the biggest of comic book hardos would have been content with this film.  Probably because they could have properly absorbed the million different storylines while ignoring the plot holes, lack of humor, nauseating special effects, bad acting, bad story and Jesse Eisenberg.  But the bad is for later, for now let’s just spend the bare minimum on the good:

Ben Affleck:  Batfleck was rock solid as the Dark Knight.  Gritty, dark and cynical.  His tech was pretty cool, and they nipped the inevitable nerd uproar over what his voice as Batman by working a modifier into the suit.  My only gripe with this rendition of Batman is his apparent ignorance to his one rule of no killing.  What nuts on the film makers to think they can ignore a major characteristic of a beloved, 75-year old character.  I felt like also he did not have enough screen time.  I really thought I saw way more of Lois Lane than I did Batman in a movie with “Batman” in the title.  Listen, Amy Adams is definitely the hottest red-head in real life (she goes belly up against Jessica Rabbit), but when I called my Dad and told him what movie I was seeing, I said “Batman,” not “Lois Lane.”

Gal Gadot:  Wonder Woman was actually a great character, in addition to being smoking hot.  Beautiful women make anything instantly better.

Doomsday:  The final battle against the Kryptonian behemoth and his story’s genesis was all pretty nifty.  He provided more than an even match for Wonder Woman and Superman.  Definitely was a better battle than Zod v.Superman in Man of Steel.

I’ve sat here now for 10 minutes wracking my brain and I can’t find any other aspect about this movie I even slightly enjoyed.  I really tried.  So with that being said, here is the bad:

Plot Holes:  Lex Luthor, out of the fuckin’ blue, finds out Superman’s secret identity.  Crucial part of the plot considering it leads to Luthor kidnapping Martha Kent, which incentivized Superman to battle Batman for Lex.  No mention of how Luthor divulged the secret identity of Superman (whose real life guise of Superman with glasses is questionable to begin with)  but the plot moves forward, and I assume the filmmakers figured no one would raise hell about it because Batman and Superman battle literally five minutes later.

Plodding:  The slow-motion murder of the Wayne’s played during the opening credits was cool if you needed to be reminded of Batman’s origins for the 11th time.  How about the first 45 minutes of near useless exposition?  Basically took a plot (albeit a shitty one) that could have been unpacked in 1 hour and 45 minutes and instead stretched it out to nearly three hours.

Dream sequences:  Bruce Wayne walking into his parent’s memorial and getting attacked by a Giant bat.  Snyder even paid homage to Nolan by packing a dream sequence into a dream sequence!  Post-apocalyptic Batman battles aliens and soldiers before being murdered by Superman, only to wake up in the exact spot he fell asleep in to a random guy screaming at him through some sort of portal, only to wake up again in the same spot.  Clark Kent meeting his father on top of a mountain for some insight into his life.  Just fucking spare me the philosophy of Jonathan Kent already.

Unnecessary Dialogue:  Nothing like a much-needed and intimate exchange between lovers Superman and Lois Lane while Doomsday is going nuclear on Metropolis.  Why spring into action and try to stop this force of nature when you need to staring longingly into the eyes of your woman while she figures out your about to sacrifice yourself.

Easter Eggs:  A subtitle of this film could have been Dawn of Eggs.  The entire plot was riddled with teasers for Justice League.  As if the movie itself knew that it was going to suck, so it was already advertising and marketing the Justice League movie.

BONUS SUCK:  All of the cameos by members of the media.  Anderson Cooper, Charlie Rose, Soledad O’Brien.  Nothing adds a sense of realism to a super hero movie more than including stuffy and annoying television personalities and reporters to report on and interview them.

I know the hype is crazy and you might want to run out and see the movie, but I implore you, don’t.  As Batman says in the film, “This may be the only meaningful thing I do.”  Just remember that it took Warner Brothers 8 years to reboot a franchise that grossed over $1 billion because of how BAD Batman & Robin was.  This movie is Batman & Robin 2.0

 

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