The annual group photo taken by the vast majority of NFL head coaches is a demonstration in personality. I would not expect men who spend 19 hours a day in an office, watching film and probably eating packages of Purdue chicken nuggets while on the stair master to be group photo enthusiasts. That is exactly what makes this picture pure GOLD. Let’s cut to the highlights of the photo!
Noticeably absent, as usual, is Bill Belichick. Conformity is a concept that completely escapes Belichick. It’s about football, posing for pictures with Kid Rock and exuding no emotion whatsoever. Which is sad, because a part of me really believes BB would take a damn good photo after watching Tom Brady soak underwear through the camera lens for all these years.
In addition to the GOAT, Jason Garrett, Andy Reid and Sean Payton check in as absent. Who gives a shit about Garret or Payton, but I would croak if the story with Reid came out as him forgetting what time it was taking place. A problem that plagues every aspect of his NFL-related life.
Jim Caldwell, Detroit Lions
Coming in as our first highlight, the Coaching Cadaver, Detroit’s Dead Play-Caller, Jim Cadlwellllllllllllll.
Let’s hear it for Jim CAAAAAAAAAALDWELLLLLLLLL
It should be perfectly acceptable for Coach Caldwell to do speed. The enthusiasm from this guy sends a cold chill up your spine. This guy probably taught Batman how to appear and disappear from a room without making a sound. This post is Caldwell to a T.
Caldwell will be the guy in the retirement home who hasn’t spoken in YEARS. Propped up in a wheelchair, quilt over his legs, aimlessly staring out the window with a cold plate of lunch by his side.
Mike McCarthy, Green Bay Packers
McCarthy just got off a bender and came directly to this photo shoot. This guy looks like a human disaster. It was Sunday-Funday for him yesterday and unfortunately he has to try to function today. His face makes me think he is in agonizing pain.
Ron Rivera, Carolina Panthers and Rex Ryan, Buffalo Bills
This is exactly what a person with the biggest mouth in the world but a .482 winning percentage as a head coach looks like. A total hardo and he isn’t even shy about it. There is the in-your-face, proud and brash hardo like Rex Ryan, but then there is the sneaky hardo like Riverboat Ron
Carolina colors on the socks to a photo shoot where socks are 95 % promised to be nowhere in sight in the developed film. I now am forced to assume that he has Cam Newton-themed boxers on now too.
Jeff Fisher, St. Louis
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand Jeff Fisher has a goddamn corsage in his jacket. Corsage in the jacket combined with a winning percentage of .430 for the Rams is highly questionable, dude. Buff colored jacket is flames though. Definitely approve of looking the part when you’re record for the team is crap, but know where the limit is.
Jack Del Rio, Oakland Raiders
Jack Del Rio has the feel of Crazy Joe Devolo in this picture. Posing like he should actually be hiding behind a tree 100 yards away. He looks like the really weird uncle at a family function who stares a little too hard at female 2nd cousins.
Bruce Arians, Arizona Cardinals
I want to catalogue all of Bruce Arians outfits and copy them. No one pulls off more varying styles than BA. He’s the family patriarch that shows up to functions in a Bentley, smells like the finest Cuban cigars and spends the entire party drinking Cognac.
Todd Bowles, New York Jets
Todd Bowles did not know which camera was the one to awkwardly smile at when the photographer said “Say Cheese.” In fact, it appears as though Bowles actually said “Cheese,” and is now caught on the tailed end of “eeeeeese.” This is year two, Todd. Figure it out.
Bill O’Brien, Houston Texans
YIKES! Talk about awkward. OB’s face makes a hard-case for implementing a head coach photo-taking workshop. He looks like a stand-in for the cover of the “Step Brothers”DVD cover. A mug that only a Doback could love.
Chip Kelly, San Francisco 49ers
The Simon Birch of head coaches. Squinting and shrugging in tandem is one of the biggest “No-No’s”of picture taking. Straight up science club nerd that wants to finish taking the photo so he can retreat to his room and bang action figures together.