Tom Coughlin Set to Join Eagles, So Now I’m in a Vendetta Kinda Mood

This upsets me for two reasons:

1.  The obvious “Hero going to the enemy” narrative.  Straight up Anakin going to the dark side.  It would be one thing if Coughlin up and went to the 49ers, a team the Giants seldom play and has no talent. Would I cringe still seeing him running a non-Eagles team? Yeah of course, it would be like splitting with a girlfriend amicably (which has never happened for me, so I can’t tell you if this scenario is even realistic) and then seeing her with some regular-type dude.  Would definitely take some getting used to, but in the end I’ll be thankful for the good memories and wish her well.

But in this case? FUCK. THAT.  Hypothetically, this is Ginnie Weasely leaving HP for Draco.  I hate the Philadelphia Eagles with every ounce of my being.  This pure, unadultured hatred is a burden on my soul.  I was beginning to pity them for the chaos that has engulfed them: you chased Andy Reid out of town, who now enjoys dabbing and other types of fun in KC, and brought mad scientist/anarchist/egomaniac/antisocial Chip Kelly.  Now that Kelly got the boot, I figured some fart in the wind-type candidate would be your only option.  Leave it to Jeffery Lurie/Darth Sidious to lure away the fabled Super Bowl hero Tom Coughlin from the light to the dark side.

Holy shit, are they not the spitting image of each other?

Help us Ben (McAdoo) Kenobi, you’re our only hope!

Previously, the Giants had said they were not planning on asking for compensation for Coughlins services. HA! You better believe I will expect a first freaking rounder for this man.  You’re outside your goddamn mind if you think that I would be happy just letting TC waltz his way across the I-95 without the Eagles having to pay a toll.  Mara and Reese better tighten up the ship, especially you Reese. I’d be clamoring for more picks considering your track record with the normal amount.

As Michael Corleone said, “It’s not personal Sonny, it’s strictly business.”  So conduct some good business and make sure we get some compensation for letting our arch-rival employ TC. (It’s totally personal now)

2.  I figured after yesterday I could take a break from blogging.  Churned out some decent stuff, maybe the heavens would favor me and I’d just win the Powerball and never have to worry about anything ever again.  Well naturally that didn’t happen, and now today I get this shit news. I’m on a vacation, and yet everything important to me in the world of sports has transpired in the last 12 hours.  Seriously, atleast wait until I’m on the plane and over US waters before this avalanche of news comes out.  How is a man supposed to be getting his tan on and make the beach-going ladies swoon if he’s relegated to Twitter and Giants news. My milky complexion isn’t getting any better up on my balcony.  Howler monkeys off in the trees straight up laughing at my pathetic existence right now.  Unless one of those palm trees on Palades (the beach 100 yards from my house whose waters I’ve enjoyed up to my belly) suddenly sprouts wi-fi, I’m shit out of luck for right now.

Anyway, bottom line is I hate the eagles, this Coughlin deal is going to make the 2016 rivalry even more intense than its been previously. Need someone on the Giants to recite this Chris Walken monologue during the first NYG-PHI matchups’ coin flip.

That beat down next season needs to be thorough. Need Eagles tears like never before.



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