I’ve had a few days to digest Tom Coughlin’s departure and reflect upon his career as the Giants head coach. Two Super Bowls and a million, billion moments of heartbreak later, the Coughlin-era is over. Was it a roller coaster? Absolutely, but as John Mara said in his presser, could you have reasonably expected it to go any better? Probably not.
I think anybody would have immediately signed up for two Super Bowl victories under Coughlin’s watch, no matter how brutal some of the other seasons have been. Speaking of which, let’s look at his tenure.
2004: 6-10. turned the reigns over to Eli midway through the season and tanked. Unreasonable to think the Giants could have really gone anywhere with a rookie quarterback after a 4-12 season
2005: 11-5, NFC East champs. Shut out by Carolina in the Wild Card round by Carolina 23-0.
2006: 8-8, Wild card loss to Philadelphia in the playoffs. Tiki Barber began yapping his big dumb lips and provided a distraction. Rumblings of players disdain for Coughlin’s draconian rule make their way to the surface.
2007: 10-6, SUPER BOWL MOTHERFUCKING CHAMPS! Everybody remembers this season like their first time being with a woman. Three road wins against Tampa, Dallas and Green Bay in the playoffs gave the Giants a shot at the 18-0 Patriots. We all know how that went down. The sub-plot of the season was a change in Coughlin’s approach to coaching.
2008: 12-4, Top seed in the NFC. Divisional playoff loss to Philadelphia 23-11. Dominating regular season upended by Plax discharging a slug into his leg. Giants come out flat in the playoffs. BLAH!
2009: 8-8. No playoffs for the Giants. Started 6-2, played like dog shit down the stretch, including a thumping by the Panthers in the Meadowlands final game.
2010: 10-6. Again, no playoffs. This season is defined by a 38-31 loss to the Eagles in week 15. A collapse of biblical proportions. A 31-10 lead with eight minutes left in the fourth quarter disappeared into thin air as Matt Dodge punted a duck to DeSean Jackson to run back to the house as time expired. This game marked the first time I ever truly contemplated suicide.
2011: 9-7, SUPER BOWL CHAMPS AGAIN. Talk about roller coaster seasons. 6-2 start followed by a four game losing streak, followed by a 99-yard touchdown, a ridiculous comeback in Dallas and a divisional clinching win in week 17. The Giants knocked out the 15-1 Packers and 13-3 49ers on the road in the playoffs en route to another comeback win against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. I can still remember jumping out of my chair in excitement and into my fan as Mario Manningham made a RIDICULOUS catch in the fourth quarter.
2012: 9-7. Yet another 6-2 starter followed by disappointing losses to the Redskins on MNF and consecutive blowouts at the hands of the Falcons and Ravens. I will always remember Ramses Barden committing offensive PI week four against the Eagles to back the Giants out of field goal range.
2013: HA! an 0-6 start sunk the Giants. Eli Manning threw interceptions to pretty much any and everyone this season. Giants finish at 7-9. Eli, describe this stinker of a season to us.
2014: 6-10. New offense for the Giants can’t make up for a brutal roster. Anyone who followed closely last season will never forget how unbelievable Odell Beckham was. The rookie wide receiver hauled in ridiculous catch after ridiculous catch, including this one where he stole Brandon Carr’s soul. A sugar coating on an otherwise fart of a season.
2015: 6-10. This season stretched my patience to it’s very limits. We’ve all become familiar with the narrative: an inability to finish. Five losses suffered after having a lead with at least 75 seconds remaining. Just go away with this nonsense. Coughlin’s past success couldn’t save him from this botch job a season. Nothing like watching Odell spend half a game trying to kill Josh Norman while muffing touchdown catches.
All in all, Coughlin was wildly inconsistent by and large, but the Giants managed to get INSANELY hot twice and ride that all the way to the Super Bowl. To be fair, he did a pretty decent job of coaching up a flawed roster the last two seasons. Even the player’s as disposable as toilet paper played hard for him. Coughlin just had to be looking at Jerry Reese during training camp like, “Seriously dude, this is what I’ve got to work with?”
Coughlin should just ride off into into the sunset now. There is definitely more productive things that a 69-year old with as much life in him can be doing. The increasing fear amongst me and my friends would be that Coughlin would just drop dead on the sidelines. Another Andre Williams rush for -4, another scratch defensive back tripping over literally nothing to miss a tackle, a dropped interception or a mismanaged game would just choke the life out of Tommy. Go home to your 20 grand kids and admire your mantle that displays your Super Bowls and Tom Brady’s balls. Thanks for the memories.
So who should it be next? Spags? McAdoo? McDaniels? McDermott? Marrone? Gase?
Best news I’ve heard in the last 48 hours: Sean Payton is staying in New Orleans. THANK GOD. Stay the hell away from my football team. The last thing my soul needs is poor, innocent Eli Manning to be implicated in some sort of on-field scandal because Payton put him up to it. Like the shy kid at school who gets dared into doing some devilish shit, Eli would fall victim to Payton’s scumminess.
I heard some dope story about how McDermott scouted and drafted Josh Norman. Something about him liking how Norman effortlessly grabbed a ball that one-hopped him in coverage. We need guys with an eye for talent like this, who can develop defensive players. Uani Unga, Jasper Brinkley and Mark Herzlich are not winning Super Bowls for us anytime soon. Get me a guy who can help Jerry Reese pick some guys in the draft for us; Reese has proven he’s only good at selecting players that I end up hating.
Spags was a complete bust in St. Louis, but I’ve heard a lot of people cite Belichick’s flop during his first head coaching gig in Cleveland. Listen, that is just stupid to use as a precedent. Bill Belichick got Troy Brown to be a player on offense, defense and special teams. Spags can’t even get a linebacker to do one simple task on defense. Straight up naive by some folks. Interview the guy but you’re not doing the franchise any favors by hiring the architect of the leagues 32nd ranked defense.
McAdoo is intriguing for his work with the offense. He’s revitalized the career of a 35-year old quarterback, helping to significantly cut down Eli turnovers and increase the tempo. Whereas in the past I would habitually break remotes due to the offense snapping the ball with :01 on the play-clock, McAdoo helped speed things up both pre and post-snap. He’s a bit inexperienced and young, but I would be onboard with him. Heard him referred to as a no-nonsense, hard working, detail oriented guy. In addition to being a good coach, he’s got that unique look you want out of a head coach.
If this man leads one explosive season on offense, you will see a SPIKE in men with goatee as their preferred facial hair in the trip-state area. Both that and the flow on top with a subtle mid-fade will catch on quick . If they scored 500 points under his watch I would go directly to this look no matter how detrimental to my love life it is. Also, I don’t like the blue collar, I LOVE THE BLUE COLLAR.
He’s been able to adequately communicate to Eli in whatever weird-gibberish language that Eli speaks and understands, a rare-tongue where annunciating is the last thing you need to do. Eli needs his handler. We need McAdoo. I’m terrified for Eli learn another offense at this stage in his career. That being said, the Giants search needs to find the guy right for the entire FRANCHISE, not just that ole’ doof of a quarterback.
Sadly, there isn’t much by the way of head-coaching experience among the candidates. McDaniels and Spagnuola are a combined 21-55 with no playoff berths. So it appears that the Giants are going to have to take a chance with either a first time head coach or one with no success at that level. All things considered, this is my list for the next Giants head coach in order of preference.
- Bill Belichick (Ha.)
- Sean McDermott (as long as he keeps McAdoo)
- Ben McAdoo (with a STUD DC)
- Josh McDaniels/Adam Gase
- Ron Coughlin
- Chuck Noll’s corpse
- Steve Spagnuola
Also, I neglected to mention guys like Teryl Austin. I don’t know enough about him, but hopefully he is a good coach and a truly worthy interviewee, and not just fodder for the Rooney Rule.
also, #5 is a little-known Giants assistant coach prone to facial redness and tirades. Good people, definitely worth consideration. Pictured below
P.S. Mr. Reese, Mr. Mara–I can be a friend to you during this coaching search. You need someone who can look into a man’s soul, who can see what they are really composed of. My email address is listed on the site, give me a shout when you want to take this coaching search seriously.